Kids And Power Struggles
Power struggles are useless things and no-one wins at this game. It’s just not worth the bother. Teenagers are often good at this game, however younger children can also sometimes excel.
Recently I had a battle with 13 year old son. It was Friday and we had just arrived home from an evening out. Kieren’s friends wanted him to come outside and play in the dark in the park. it was 8.30pm when they called at our house. I just knew I was going to be in for a tough time. Kieren said to me,
“Mum, can I please go outside with my friends?” I said to him quite firmly, “no, not tonight”. Almost straight away Kieren came back at me with “oh mum, all my friends are going outside. I want to go”. Then he added, “you can’t stop me”. I thought for a minute, then I repeated my answer to him, “you are not going outside again tonight”. Then I walked away.
I heard Kieren becoming increasingly more annoyed and verbal in an attempt to get me to change my mind, or at least let me know his displeasure. I even heard him slam the bedroom door twice, something he had never done before. He was not happy.
Now here’s the thing, Kieren was angry and I didn’t try to make him agree or be happy with my decision. He seemed to need a bit of time to cool down. You cannot expect a teenager to always say sorry straight away. Kieren went off to bed in a huff but the next morning he came to me with an apology.
We must realize where these negative behaviors come from. Kids often try to exert power and control over someone else, especially parents. When these kinds of behaviors occur (for example eating slowly or dawdling) parents need to offer choices rather than giving direct demands. This is important. It will ease the pain of the conflict and probably prevent many a power struggle.
It is quite normal to test our authorities. Most of us will do it sometime in our lives. When our kids do it they want to know that we will be strong for them and not waver in our boundaries. When this happens our kids feel more secure.
I have come to realize that as a mother of teenagers it is not always your job to be liked. Often children will hate you for the boundaries you give them, in the short term. But the very next morning Kieren came back to me with an apology.
And, by the way, when Kieren woke up the next day his door was off the hinges. I didn’t need to growl at him for the door slam; I just took action to teach him that it was not an appropriate thing to do, thus avoiding another power struggle.